Going to start a little backward here and introduce myself later. This is what is on my mind right now because I just put the finishing touches on this treatment piece. Over the past year o have paired ketamine treatments with art therapy to work though my complex PTSD and bipolar disorder and this is the story of my most rest treatment.
9/7 – my last treatment in the US. I had said goodbye to jack and it had settled in the I would not see him for at least a few months and I was back in the house that brought up many of my triggers and around the person who pointed out my flaws frequently. As excited as I was to get to Ireland I was still extremely anxious. Transitions are hard for me and they likely always will. I have gotten extremely better at managing them as I know my triggers ans I know some of my coping mechanisms. I got through the day with my what I needed to get done and tried to deflect as many of the comments about my body changes and eating habits and spending habits and if I am capable of handle myself that I get on the daily from my mother. And just tried to get through all the jabs without picking any fights since the day was supposed to be about me and my health. At the end of it I locked the door to the guest bedroom of their house where I stay and set up my treatment space after she got her bottle of wine and I began.
The concept that came to me was trying to keep working in creating a realistic image of my body type, since my mother’s comments through the years have led to really skewed body dysmorphia, but also in an alternatively beautiful way. Once I had the sketch down I started the timer and dosed.
The first two doses in the first 10 minutes get me to baseline so I can finalize the drawing. When I take the seins two doses at the 10 min mark this is where the push to the edge begins. The infusion like feels arise to the max and get you to the edge of khole. This is because most people will do 1 dose for the first few segments and 2 does for the last two to get to the edge and maybe khole if they are lucky. Not pushing into khole is not effective in this treatment in my opinion. You have the agency and control over the treatment and the dosing and once you push over the edge into khole you push your mind our if the way and what is going to come up will come through in the art.
So at the 20 minute mark when I redise twice again I khole and the true art begins and it is guided by what my subconscious needs to get put on to paper at the moment. Pairing the khole with art for me is effective because it is a physically means for my subconscious to make sense of the dissociated state the ketamine brings on. Then while I am dissociated and my brain is getting out of its own way my subconscious can project what it needs to get out on to paper in the form of art. I have noticed that when the song I will have shifts, or I redose somethings will be processed more clearly or sometimes my subconscious will switch tracks completely and that’s okay. There is a lot it needs to process after years of trauma so I just need to get out of its way and let it do its thing for that hour of treatment.
Once the hour of redosing is complete I keep going with the art at music until I come down completely. And once I come down I set down what I have made for the night because I know it’s not going to make sense where exactly it came from or what it is communicating to me at that exact moment. Instead I let myself feel the bliss and accomplishment from facing the terrifying suppressed areas of my brain.
The next day I will pick it up again, however, and work to make sense of what I made. It normally makes perfect sense and fits right in with what’s going on in my life, what been stressing me out currently, what common triggers have been coming up etc. This work for example is the first one in a while I made completely naked but in a guarded position, indicating I feel vulnerable about my upcoming transition. A lot of the regression to chaotic patterns I haven’t used in a while but in calm colors indicates suppression of anxiety about this transition as well.
I hope you enjoyed this insight into how I use my treatments and how my art progresses during treatment. As my posts go on I will introduce myself more so you can get to know me as well. Let me know what you think for if you have any feedback ☺️
